**I’ll preface this by saying throughout this article I use the terms “we” and “us” referring to ex-boyfriends because, in the past, I’m as guilty of this as anybody else. This is how I know. Enjoy.

They say all is fair in love and war. I don’t know about that, but I do know that through both– you need a solid gameplan to get what you want. Make no mistake about it– ex-boyfriends aren’t here to make pals– we’re here to fuck shit up. Below are some things we’ll lie to you about with intent to destroy the emotional foundation of your world:

1. “I’m just checking in to see how you’re doing.”

Really? You’ve gone months without speaking– now all of a sudden we’re interested in finding out how you are? This is typical of a guy who just lost his supply of sex or saw a Facebook photo of you with another dude. This is the first attack in a series that will make up our lengthy campaign of mental warfare. It gives us a reason to get in touch, and makes it seem like we actually care how you’re doing. If you respond– you show your interest in us, and our foot has at least cracked the door we’re looking to barge into.

2. “I just want to be friends.”

This is the oldest, shittiest lie in the book that women fall for every…single…day. Ladies, do you really believe it? Do you honestly think in a guy’s mind he’s saying: “Yeah– that’s what I want! I want the girl I used to have sex with regularly around– just to hang out with! We can be best buds now! I just want her in my life as a dear, dear friend. Please, tell me about the new guy you’re banging!” NO! This is an easy ticket back into your life by getting you to physically hang out with us. Dinner? Drinks? What does it matter? We’re just friends! Yay!

3. “Nobody understands us.”

Hey– guess what, dummy? EVERYBODY understands your messed up relationship. Everyone has an ex, and everyone knows that they’re an ex for a reason.This is just something ex-couples say to rationalize hanging out to everyone asking “What the hell are you doing?!” “…Nobody understands us! We’re so different and unique and special!” Shut up. No you’re not.

4. “I’m really happy you found a new guy.”

Ha! This is another one that girls get, although this is generally the one they see through the most. There couldn’t be more fake words spoken. This is a move built completely off ego. As soon as your relationship status changes– we text you to say we’re happy for you– making it completely about us and getting in your head yet again. Of course we’re not happy the girl we used to hook up with all the time is now using her gymnastic-like moves on another guy. That’s one of the most awful feelings a dude can experience– but, if we allow you to think we’re that great of a guy when you’d expect us not to be– it can be a complete game-changer.

5. When all else fails– act weird.

When your brand new best bud/old girlfriend approaches you in a public place and gives you a hug to say hello– be distant. Only give one word answers to any questions asked, and make sure you keep smiling. This is a POWER move. This is the mental Nagasaki A-bomb from Hell. In her head she’ll be asking: “Why is he acting so weird? Why is he smiling? Is he happy to see me? Why isn’t he talking? What’s he thinking? I want to know!” It will only multiply every second of every day, rotting her emotionally until she HAS to see you in person and confront you about it. That’s when you become less distant and go for the kill.

Final Thoughts:

These lies are completely based off ego and knowing that we can completely change a given circumstance– or make it hard for the new guy to have a successful relationship with our old girl. Even if we don’t get what we want (sex– derrr)– we can still be happy by causing a little ruckus and helping to build resentment in our old girl’s new relationship. It’s sick. Deep down, as guys, we know our ex’s still have a spot somewhere inside themselves for us (though some might be bigger than others.) It’s a complete and utter exploitation.

Don’t get me wrong, ex-sex can be– and usually is– great. If you’re both single, go for it– but be forewarned: Sex with an old partner you have an emotional history with can be like doing heroin– addictive and problem-causing– especially if friends and family find out. And if you’re in a relationship– what the hell are you doing? Everybody knows nothing good can come from building contact with an ex while trying to start a new relationship. Frustration will mount, whether they let you know or not– making it almost impossible for the relationship to move forward– and that’s what really gets an ex off.